Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.