Those Advice from A Father Which Helped Us when I became a New Parent

"I believe I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of being a father.

However the reality quickly proved to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to discussing the stress on mums and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a broader inability to talk between men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - taking a few days overseas, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when he was younger to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, confide in a friend, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their issues, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."